I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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