i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
