On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
