can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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