i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
