:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
