D3 body, D1 cock
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
