I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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