you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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