My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
