I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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