I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
