In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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