Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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