Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
