It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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