chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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