I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
