If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
