Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
