Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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