But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I looked at my own cervix.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
