Non-Jews are for practice
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
