You work out of a Hotel?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
please don't ironically join a cult
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