you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
