can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
