Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
