My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
