You're completely useless in the revolution.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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