I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
