Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I supernannyed him into submission
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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