Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
