NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
