I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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