I am in a vortex of obligation.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
