ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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