I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
