Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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