i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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