Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
