At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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