I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
