Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
