I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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