my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Boobs are out for the taking
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
