You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
