guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
