So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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