Just took my morning after pill in the library
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
