do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My feet surprised me
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
