You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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