I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
